oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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