If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
