I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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