Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
