dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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