I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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