Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
