I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i've created a new STD.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
