So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
