i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
