Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
