Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
