woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
