The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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