I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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