life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
