i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
