true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
