the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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