I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
