Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
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