It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
