I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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