Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
