I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
