you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
