watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
