In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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