wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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