We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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