i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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