Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
