Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
