I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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