yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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