I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
