ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
