everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
