he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
