She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
