I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
