do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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