just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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