Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
