One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
