In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
