it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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