I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I fill condoms, not promises.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
