I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
