You don't have asthma, your pregnant
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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